Awakened life after Dolano Intensive Satsang - part 2
Back in Holland, now and a year ago
For me it is also interesting to look back at April 2010 and compare it with April 2011. In both cases I came back from 4 months in Asia (mainly India) after having done groups, retreats or, this time, satsang. Last year, and I wrote about that too, it was a big shock to come back to Holland as the whole dream Sannyasin life of groups, meditation, celebration and transformation made room for the ordinary Dutch reality of work and a normal life. I then felt that the Dutch conditionings, mainly those related with (hard) work, jumped on my back and many other thoughts and ideas made that I quickly felt rather miserable. All I wanted really, was to leave the country.
Now things are totally different.
The Sannyasin life dropped. Not that I will never go back to Pune and
have fun in the Osho ashram. I most likely, at some stage, will. But it
is no more that fantastic place and life compared to which the normal
life in Holland looked pretty bland. That beautiful illusion, however real and
true it felt then, has dropped too.
So where last year I felt like not being in the right place, now being
back at home in Holland is perfectly fine. To quote the masters I have
come home, so being at home in my apartment in Holland is perfectly
fine. I feel there is no need to go anywhere and that, to be honest,
feels as a relieve because in the past five years my time in The
Netherlands had always only be a preparation to leave again for Asia. The full
realization that I do not need to be in any amazing place to be at
ease or happy, is a blessing.
Actually, even the beautiful image I had created about Thailand, as this
peaceful, friendly Buddhist country has also been replaced by a more
realistic picture of a country with indeed a nice climate, many kind
people and cheap massages, but also a religious and superstitious
country with worshippers rather than mediators and a lot of
(underground) violence, ignorance and hypocrisy. It is all there, I
just never wanted to see it.
Osho always talked about choicelessness. Maybe it is that seeing things
for what they really are, almost automatically leads to a kind of
choicelessness. After all the black and white picture where one place is
paradise and the other is hell, has been replaced by a more realistic
grayscale picture where there is some hell and some heaven everywhere.
It just depends where you put your attention.
So the great thing is that all this has really set me free. After 5
years of long travels (between 4 and 7 months per year) to Asia, this is
not automatic anymore. I will still go on holiday and maybe even go
back to Dolano to help or repeat, but this big need and desire to leave
is gone. Maybe for the first time in 9 years I am going to experience
what winter in Holland is like.
Another thing which is very strange is the lack of continuity. Somehow,
in our lives, we feel that there is some kind of continuity. Some kind
of development or progress, which gives us the feeling of
This now is gone. What I experience is that every day is totally new.
Not only are there different feelings or is there a different outlook on
life every day, something I experienced before Dolano as well, but the
way I experience it now, is that there is no time. Nothing of how I see
or experience life today seems to have anything to do with yesterday.
How often did I hear Osho or Eckahrt Tolle or other masters say: There
is only now. And, as a meditator, I understood exactly what they
meant. Or at least, so I thought.
But since I am back home after Dolano, I can really say that for the
first time this is really my experience. There is only now and today
has nothing to do with tomorrow or yesterday. Or even now in the
afternoon has nothing to do with this morning. I sometimes forget what I
did earlier the same day or think that it happened yesterday.
It is only now that I fully realise how our minds create a kind of
continuity. How also my mind created time by thinking in terms of dates,
. But this time, this continuity, in reality does
not exist. It is just a story that we tell ourselves to create the
illusion of continuity and time.
The nice part of it of course is that my capacity to worry about the
future has become a lot less. When today does not seem to have anything
to do with yesterday, of course what I think today about tomorrow is
totally irrelevant as well. I did understand that before, but know it is
no more an understanding from the mind but a knowing from my own
experience. It is simply my reality. The idea of tomorrow, like that of
yesterday, has almost dropped off completely, without me doing
anything for it.
During the day I still experience some continuity and sensation of time,
but also much less than before. Many times during the day it feels like
I am starting fresh and I need a watch to remind myself what part of
the day it is.
This timelessness, if anything is maybe one of the weirdest and newest
experiences after Dolano. Something that still surprises me many times a
day and sometimes does lead to a feeling of disorientation. But that of
course is just the mind coming in trying to think something about
To be continued....