The end of wanting
I dont want anything anymore Dolano intensive
I wrote this note in February during intensive satsang with the Zen
Master Dolano in India. I just found it back now and realise that this
was such an important revelation. Maybe this resonates with you. Maybe like
I did you recognise the suffering of it all. I, from my side, am happy
it is all over.
10 February 2010
Yesterday a couple of sentences of Dolano really touched me:
Dont you have enough of wanting?
I dont want to be anymore. This me is such a nuisance.
I dont want anything anymore. I have enough of wanting.
In the previous year on the spiritual path, these feelings have been more and more often there. A beautiful recognition. But when these feelings first occurred I could not see the significance. Yes, I felt the emotional depth of it, but did not realise where it could lead. Now with an enlightened master to help me I can see.
In our normal, unenlightened deluded lives we 'want' all the time. We want more money, a bigger house, a nicer car. And if we are beyond that, at least we still want a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a nicer girlfriend or nicer boyfriend. Or we want a nicer job or more status. Or we want to be more beautiful. Or we want what someone else has. It never ends and advertisement does a great job to make sure that you are never happy with what you have. Always you want more, more, more.
Then, on the path, many of these worldy desires become less important, but wanting does not stop. Now we want this peace and joy and silence we experience in groups and meditations to stay. We still want to be happy. 24/7 please! In my case, I wanted the feelings, the states, the intensity I came to experience during my months in the Osho meditation resort in Pune to stay forever. So back home there was the suffering when these blissful feelings did not stay.
We want to heal, to grow, to change, to accept, to love, to feel, to be silent, to enjoy, to understand, to know, to see
Wanting, wanting, wanting. And hence, the suffering continues.
So now this feeling of I dont want anything anymore is there. Havent you seen (I am speaking to myself here) what a suffering this wanting creates? Even the smallest want creates suffering. Wanting the waiter to come sooner. Wanting not to have to go out to get food. Or the greater wanting: Wanting to know what to do with my life? Wanting to find out my purpose in life? Wanting to know where to live? Etc, etc. Wanting, wanting, wanting. Creating more and more suffering.
Buddha was so right when he said that all suffering comes from desire. From not being okay with what is, from wanting things (and people!) to be different from what they are. The suffering of the ego is that of conditionality. The belief that I cannot be happy unless I have what I want. And of course we fool ourselves into believing that what we want is what we need. So we work harder, or we pray or we try to attract or we hope
..to get what we want.
Ill make an exception for one desire. There is one desire which is rather a longing, a yearning, which is worth wanting because it leads somewhere. This is the yearning for Truth. The longing for what, deep down, we know is true. For what deep down we know is our true nature. This is the longing I connected to last year during the Path of Love, which created a fire of longing in me for the divine, for Truth. This fire is needed to transcend all the wanting and suffering.
I dont want anything anymore! This is where the journey ends. Or rather it is the beginning of the end. I now realise I had to try and do and want all these things so much so that I could see the suffering of it. If you are still deluded into believing that getting your desires fulfilled can lead you to happiness, there is of course no way youll ever let go. So then I can only say: go for it! See to get whatever you want and then see that wanting does not stop there. That fulfilling this desire did not make you happy.
For me the understanding that all this wanting only created suffering has brought me where I am now.
Now there is the relief. The relaxation. I dont want to do anything anymore! I dont want to try anymore! And, and that is the good thing: I dont have to anymore! After all, did all this wanting ever lead anywhere? Now the wanting is finally over. I am finally able to see what is true and wanting is not part of that. Pffff, such a relief!